My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
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I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
I’m crying im so happy for them
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one