When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
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I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
*mops up wine with cat*