When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
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You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.