Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
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ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Happy Caturday!
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
😂🤣😂🤣
as is their right
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S