Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
You Might Also Like
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I have a new favorite meme page
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
#polloftheday
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.