i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
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I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure