7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
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I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Ummm
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
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