“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
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Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid