me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
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And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
So inspired right now.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
What
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Okey dokey.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.