Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
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Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
SPLOOT
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”