Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
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I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Hell yeah 👍
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.