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Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.