Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
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3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.