I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
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Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?