wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
You Might Also Like
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.