Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
You Might Also Like
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID