A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
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I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker