Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
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I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you