me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
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[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Every work meeting this week
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands