EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
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*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
this has to be peak English
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
My Sentiments Exactly
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
I don’t think my car can fly