Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.