wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
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“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
*gets down on one knee*
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Our lord and savoury.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
I am all good here, 😂😉
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
my mind
You just read my mind