Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
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I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.