I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
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*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.