There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
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[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.