No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
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NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
You can’t outrun your problems…