My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
You Might Also Like
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Well, this is awkward
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.