Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
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If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.