My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
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I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could