Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
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Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.