I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
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“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
OH. COME. ON.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
I like long walks away from everyone
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?