I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
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I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Well well well…
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.