[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
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They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.