my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
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[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
(by @ZachWeiner )
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
I swear some people should be banned from cooking