5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
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#oldknees
The best plant holders?
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean