So true for me
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Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
I wonder if I鈥檝e seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I鈥檓 drunk?
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea鈥攈ow’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
I鈥檝e really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just鈥攓uick poll鈥攚ho else does NOT want to go?
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
got so much cardio in today
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*