No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
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Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own