Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
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Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.