I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
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Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
🤣🤣
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders