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*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.