Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
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[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.