He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
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Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
quarantine day 3
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.