Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
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Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Not all heroes wear capes.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head