10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
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[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Just me?
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.