You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
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Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy