Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
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#FireSomeonePolitely
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
when there are deer in the woods
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
opening twitter today
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested