People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
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devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.