Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
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I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”