If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
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It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
me
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.