i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
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I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.